i dreamed of telling you all the things i accomplished

and you dreamed of your teeth falling out

we’ll always be the same

you could be in china and me in two egg, FL

still craniums merged, twins

i breathe you breathe

and don’t forget it

because we were young

and 20 years ago feels like 100 now

i walk around campus listening to justified

a cold diet coke shimmering between my thumb and the rest of me

remembering that i’m 36

having eaten a lot of time and realizing i am not full

just old

my womb a net negative

and using my womb as an icebreaker

is already socially inept

like hello

i burn all mac and cheese

a little bit

and my playmoney goes to amazon.com

trying my luck on several retinoids

0.2% 0.3% 0.5% 1%

very strong OTC

because can you disappear me

make me 15

and give me 10

i’ll sit quietly with my lipliner undisturbed

reapplying in the mirror for no reason

while couples kiss and cuff

it’s fall,

people are lonely

and they’re playing everybody’s gotta learn sometimes by beck

just to taunt us at 75 dB

i need your love-in

like the sunshine

but isn’t it good to have nothing in your stomach?

isn’t it good to be hungry for more

and cracking fortune cookies sanguine

standing still on tarmacks

in matte black tory burch sandals

hair blowing and kissing no. 150 sugar poppy $9 with tax

when the dead ends hit my lips

annoying me romantically

and you have too many bags

full of clothes, nothing to wear

always keeping 3 journals at a time

incase you have a beautiful thought

while you’re lonely and lazy

so you can reach for it in the night

an eye closed

half asleep and

the way you keep moving
is something that makes me weak

i dreamed of a crumpled orange

made simple by olympian carpus

browning on the inside and taking its time to drip

rotting but juicy, still

like being over 30

like getting elevens in your forehead

but being too poor for botox

let it live

let the middle of me dance kinetic and furrowed

as i frown and cry through my gorgeous and harrowing life

because you deserve to know i’m sad and dreaming

and so do i

i should feel it all

it’s not sad to know

i have so much time and

you’re going to see me suck the marrow

my collagen gone in 60 seconds

over and over and over

til it’s gone

i’ll smile

i will fly places

i will be a master of none, and therefore

a god of everything

because being the smartest person in the room is like having 3 legs

useless

and you taught me that

i see girls i think of as little in big tshirts

sports bras

crispy gym shorts

lululemon scion

they have it all, and all is time

even five years ago i would have looked at them as peers

and now they are matryoshka dolls

housing all of my potential lost versions

with sylvia’s fig tree aching in the thoracic

reminding me i still have doors

but knowing my wrists won’t turn

without burning

and it may get worse

the best part is

it would all feel cool if i was skinny and smoking

as everything does